Something is bubbling, spewing and churning inside of me,
a tingling in my feet. I fell asleep.
My whole being did, soul, heart, body and mind, it went deep.
Time to let myself be free.
The expression of my self stunted, frozen in space,
the tingling spreads, this feeling as if dipped into the black sea, you see it wasn’t supposed to be like this.
They said, I was meant to reach high but all I ever did was jump once in a while, always crashing back never reaching, never earning, always missing what I aimed to do.
A pitch black maze came into life around me, around the time of accountability.
My sins commanding me, see this was all about looking out for number I.
I died, a dead man walking, see the despair around me?
A blind man watching. Hear the screams travelling over seas?
A deaf man hearing.
Fearing terror. Loving lust, reaching just for dust.
They hail me as one living, feeling, thinking entity
but don’t they know that I have died, sinking, drowning in the coldness that is, me?
But that was then and this is now.
I’m telling you how my being came back to what it was meant to be
what is expected of me,
before I finally perish here, here on Gaia.
My heart is stirring, beating to this beautiful ayah.
[ Al-Baqarah 2:186 ]
Trying to respond, anything else would surely be my doom.
Believing in Him, Trusting and Worshipping only Him, striving for this deen.
Gaining strength, to walk the straight path, at least an arms length.
For this is what I was meant to do, for this is what I always wanted to do.
Warmth surrounding me now,
I silently make this vow,
to always return to Him, for my me is nothing without Him.
Now or ever, to never let my self, my I, have a higher rank.
A blanket covering me, my rizq. Ya Allah grant me sakinah.
My eyes open,
No longer deaf to the sweet sounds of comfort.
No longer blind to the beauty of this life, with its tribulations and desperation, its peace and bliss .
I am Awake.
I’m back to regular writing inshaAllah. This text was inspired by several things, I just finished writing it actually, usually would have waited a bit before publishing it, to read through a couple of times. But well, I don’t know, it just wants to be out there I guess.
As you can probably guess I like the phrase “Dead man walking” this is probably the third time I’ve used it. I wanted to write something that showed a bit of the desperation, guilt and sadness that wells in me and the bright spot in my life that seeks to drag me out of that state, I might have exaggerated quite a bit, so don’t take it too serious.
These 3 words articulate so well a heart that is absent from Allah swt, yeah I know that’s probably not what Thomas Hardy meant with his poem but it fits.
Like in the hadith, “He who remembers his Lord and he who does not remember his Lord are like the living and the dead.” or “The house in which Allah is remembered and the house in which Allah is not remembered is like the living and the dead.” [ Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
“Dead man walking” makes so much sense, last sentence about that.
Now Gaia, I meant “earth” with it, not what else it could mean if someone reading this knows a bit of Greek mythology.
Rizq means provisions everything that we may use in this life that is given to us by Allah swt from food and shelter to the new car and mansion.
Sakinah means peace and tranquillity and is sent down by Allah swt only to those who are true believers. So strive for it and ask for it.
Regarding the Ayah, Quran Weekly have a brilliant video, mashaAllah, of Nouman Ali Khan explaining it. Everyone should know it and its meaning, it’s so intimate. Here it is…
With that Salam till next time,