I am tired

Salam Alaykum,

it has certainly been a while since I last posted something on here. My life has been as a scholar just described it, like that of an animal. Taking things on as they appear, no structure nor planning. Just living from one day to the next, trying desperately to survive.

I am tired. Not just physically but mentally as well, I yearn for a longer holiday, to start to put my life together more permanently than the little breaks I get on Weekends. In which I do not do much more than wallow in the guilt of not doing anything. 2 Weeks ago after travelling to London I had a little break-down. I didn’t go to University that week, didn’t move much at all really. I think it started before that, maybe even round about the time my Internet connection started giving me troubles. Everything became a little too much, I said yes to a few things too often and crashed.

The amount of University work I had not done, the voluntary things I got involved in, everything just stopped. I’m good at procrastination, maybe I should have done my Bachelor’s in the Art of Procrastination. After that first crash I started putting things off again, missing deadlines because I had started to work the day or two before and it was more complicated than I thought. Everything is screaming at me to do something, to do some work, to catch-up, but I don’t know where to start. More often than not I feel totally listless. I delay getting started, just as I delayed my writing my first post in a while on here.

After that second crash, I started to record what I do with my time. Both manually using a spreadsheet and with certain apps such as Toggl and RescueTime. 2 Weeks ago I spent almost 26hrs reading Fanfiction, instead of researching for my reports and 2 hours on YouTube, which is quite low for me. Overall I spent 41% of my time on the computer on entertainment and only about 5% on actual learning. I have started organising myself a little better last week using spreadsheets to split my time up more wisely. The thing is holding myself to it, is hard. What I haven’t added yet, and that is something I have wanted to do for ages, is orient it towards Imam Ghazali’s Al-Bidayyah. (The Beginning of Guidance) I really hope my report this last week is loads better.

Generally, the last week has been better than the last few weeks all together, except for my getting ill on Wednesday. I know there will be further dips in my productivity, increases  in stress levels and anxiety, headaches, but I think I’m slowly getting to a point where I’ll be able to deal with it, God willing. I am tired of my listlessness and procrastination.

And so I hope this will be the first of many posts to come. Middle of December I’m hoping and praying to have caught up with all the topics I wanted to go over this year as I’m going to be travelling to Nigeria in the winter holidays

Wa Salam,

Abdur-Rahman

Mu610

About Mu610

22 year old German Muslim currently studying at Bradford University in the UK. Born in Marburg, raised in Berlin and spent 5 years in Nottingham then moving to Bradford in September '12. Is fluent in German and English and has some knowledge of French and Arabic, has an interest in learning Japanese, Italian, Spanish, Russian, Chinese and maybe Urdu for now.

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